Moved!

I’m shaking off the negativity that has somehow become this space.

I’m adopting a new mind set!

Come join me: http://revelationofthemind.wordpress.com/

Justbreathe

I ain’t got

no man.

I answered the phone today. His name is B. We’ve been going in circles for years now <–wow. Basically, I get run away and disappear for awhile whenever he gets too serious.

He asked me today, “why don’t you have a man? Do you not have time for one?” I told him it wasn’t a priority and that I’m a bit shy and sometimes I mean mug. He was like “yeah, I notice you run”.

And here I was thinking I was being slick with it. lol

But seriously, why don’t I have a man? I’m shifting into another phase in my life. I realized a couple days ago that I haven’t been kissed in YEARS. That’s unacceptable! At least to me it is. I mean, I don’t wanna make out with everybody but dang, do my lips still work?

Well, I would get more indepth but it’s 1am. I’ll be back to break it down some more, cause I really need to figure it out!

Justbreathe

Evolution…

I was reading through an old blog tonight. I used to author one called Oops, My Bad.

This was an interesting time in my life. It seems like I was a totally different person both good and bad.

I want to get back to that level writing. It had flow, quirkiness, sincerity,  and truth. I found this one to be particularly poinent (sp?).

Lessons to be Learned

There are many lessons to be learned…

God will always find a way to teach them…

Patience is a virtue,

Ask not want not,

Faith without works is dead…

Lessons to be learned.

God will always find a way to teach them…

Be it through people, places or things…

Every lesson has a purpose

Every purpose has a person attached…

Lessons to be learned.

God will always find a way to teach them…

Painful, happy, sad,

Lessons to be learned.

God will always find a way to teach them.

~Justbreathe~

Man oh man has the Lord been teaching me some lessons. It’s been quite overwhelming. Let’s just say that I’ve been learning to lean on Him. No aspect of my life is irrelevant to God. He’s seen it all, so He understands. Nothing is new to Him.

So I’m learning to say a little prayer to get my day off on the right foot:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time. Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace. Taking as Jesus did this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Knowing that you will make all things right if I surrender to your will. So that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with you in the next.

Amen

Peace.Literally.

I haven’t been speaking much positivy into my life lately. It’s been all negativity: I can’t do such and such. The economy this, the economy that. I wonder how people have been able to stand being around me! So depressing! From now on, I’m aiming for more positivity and more faith in God. He’s got me. I just need to listen.

Justbreathe

What to do

What.to.do.

*sigh*

1) get a part time job

2) Go back to school

Ok, going back to school is my next option. The economy sucks and I’m going up against people who are better qualified. Not to say that won’t happen in the future but it’s 10x worse in this economy.

Now I first thought I’d go to GPC and get the Associated of Science in Art which had all the art intro courses but only 2 photography courses. I was gonna settle for that and just parlay it into something more.

Then I got to talking to my friend and she pointed out that my alma mater (gasp…never thought about it that way) has a BA in Photography. You take all the intro courses along with photo1 and 2, then you submit a portfolio and get accepted or denied into the photography major and continue on with the coursework. If I got back to my alma mater, then I don’t have to do all the standard intro stuff like math, science etc and I know the campus. It’s tempting. The only thing that worries me, is that if I got through all these intro courses and then I get denied into the photo program. That would suck… MAJORLY. But I musn’t be a punk. I haven’t really competed for anything in my life.

Another hitch in the giddy, is that I must get out of my momma’s house. It’s no longer an option. She’s giving me all kinds of sideyes…–> o_O and wondering when I’m going. I also can’t stand another night of hearing them knock the boots. It disturbes me, probably more than normal. It’s like 1) I’m hating cause I don’t even have a man 2) I don’t want to hear all that and be having flashbacks everytime somebody is getting their groove on 3) just DAMN MOMMA!

*breathing*

So yeah, I gotta figure out how to go back to school and where to live.  ASAP

See, I’m running up a tab: LITERALLY. I’m starting to feel like a bum. *sigh*

I just know I need to do SOMETHING.

Justbreathe….

Soooooooo!

I’ve got my first official interview tomorrow! YAY! I’m claiming this job in the NAME OF JESUS! He knows how much this will change the dynamics in the house! I’m excited about the possibilities, even though I don’t even know how much I would be making. It’s not in my field either BUT IT’S A JOB! Full time with benefits! Ya’ll KNOW I love some benefits! lol

My interview is tomorrow at 1oam.

Like I said, I’m claiming this job! I run out of money next month and this would be perfect timing.

God let it be so.

So now, to combat the nervousness, I’ll keep this scripture close to heart:

“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you, not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” John 14:27KJV

and a bonus:

“Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! The Lord of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge” Psalms 46: 10-11 KJV

Justbreathe…and trust

Blogging…

Hmm my life has shifted so much. I didn’t realize how big a part school played.

Now that I’m unemployed, it’s different. I don’t want to get lazy, I don’t want to get used to not working.

My mom says I lack the motivation she had when she was job hunting. She had a child (me) to support, so she HAD to do it. She said I must find my motivation.

I think I have 2:

1) Moving out. I’m too old to be here and I see how much my mom wants to just nest with her man.

2) Photography. If I get a good job, I can support my hobby. Equipment ain’t cheap!

So, I must get on my grind. And use these two things as immediated motivation.

I do find myself looking a job posting, reading through the qualifications, and then my mind goes numb and I get tired. I know it’s psychological but it’s really hard to push through to the actual application. If I do get to the application and fill it out, I’m EXHAUSTED when it’s done or it takes me forever. I don’t get it.

Justbreathe…*wheeze*

Friend Box…

Just like we as women have a friend box, men have them too.

I have been firmly placed into this box by a guy I really like.

But I’m a big girl. Life goes on. I have one more friend right?

*sigh* I’ll be alrighty in a little while.

Justbreathe..dammit!

This song is simple…

but true.

Fear by J.a.z.mine Sull.i.van

HEY (x9)

I’m Scared to try ’cause I’m scared to fail
I’m scared to die ’cause I’m scared of hell
I’m scared to kiss I’m scared to hug
I’m scared of sex cuz I’m scared to touch

I’m scared to look cuz I’m scared to see
I’m scared of you cuz I’m scared of me
I’m scared to fly I’m scared to crash
I’m scared to move on so I live in the past

I’m scared to fight cuz I’m scared to bleed
I’m scared of love cuz I’m scared he’ll leave
I’m scared of drugs I’m scared to drink
I’m scared to swim cuz I’m scared to sink

I’m scared to learn cuz I’m scared of truth
Don’t wanna gain weight cuz I’m scared of food
I’m scared to think that the label dropped me
I’m scared to think of my album floppin…

This may sound silly but its true
So don’t pretend it aint you too
We all afraid of something here
Cuz you aint human with out fear

Hey (x6)

I’m scared to start cuz I’m scared I’ll quit
I’m scared that people won’t like my shit
I’m scared of fame and paparatzi
rumors starting the people watching

I’m scared to grow up cuz I’m scared to get old
I’m scared of the dark and being alone
scared of war and I’m scared of jail
Scared to share a secret cuz I’m scared you’ll tell

This may sound silly but its true
(This may sound silly but its true)
So don’t pretend it aint you too
(But I aint to scared to share my fear)
We all afraid of something here
(Oh yes we are)
Cuz you aint human without fear

Justbreathe…dammit

So let’s talk….

Job: None. I’ve been applying. I’m heading to the unemployment office on Monday. I haven’t been unemployed since 2000. This shit is nerve wracking. I can’t fully enjoy it because I’m broke. Bills don’t get paid when there isn’t any money.

Social Life: It’s going ok. I’m realizing that I’m the most sane out of my friends. I’m also realizing I have a lil bit of each of their crazy in me, but I control my ish. I gotta broaden my friend base.

Future plans: I must figure out what do with my life. I hate not knowing. I guess it just comes down to making a decision and getting my life started in SOME direction. Not just standing still.

Love life: Ain’t NAN! *disgruntledness*I like this one brotha but it seems like whenever I invite him out, it’s a no show and then we txt and say we’ll get together and it never happens. Have you seen The Holiday…well I refuse to let him be my Jasper. HMPH! Not gonna happen (I like him though) NOT gonna happen. *sigh*

Oh and I swear I’m the oldest card carrying member. I swear I’m a unicorn. I’m tired. I’m like “will I know what the hell to do when the time comes?” Will my shit work. BOOOOOOOOOOO and HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Positivity: I wish I had more at this point in my life. I’m in a very weird space. I get advice from others but ultimately it’s my decision and I just want to make the right one. I don’t want to choose the wrong path or miss out on opportunities. I think I’m living in fear and it’s immobilizing me <–shit, that’s profound. I can’t live like that because that’s not living.

I’mma let that marinate.

Justbreathe…dammit…

I know….

I haven’t blogged in awhile and I don’t quite remember if anyone in my “real” world reads this blog but, simply stated,

I wanted to get laid.

That is all.

Goodnight.

Justbreathe…dammit…